The U.S. Marine Corps recently added empathy as its 15th leadership trait. A lot of rumbling followed the news. I heard Marines asking, “What role does empathy play in a society of warfighters like Marine Corps? We’re trained to kill people, not to listen to their feelings.”
That line of protest misunderstands what empathy is, and why it is such a valuable trait for leaders in the Marine Corps.
A Matter of Understanding
Many of the stories that instructors and senior officers told during Marine officer training at The Basic School centered around their first leadership challenges. I spent a significant amount of time wondering what my first such challenge as a lieutenant would be, when it would arise, and how I would deal with it.
I did not have to wait long.
Less than two weeks after I checked into my first unit, I was in Twentynine Palms participating in an integrated training exercise. One of my Marines was new to the unit, but I was already receiving reports of his general disrespect and selfishness, and his bad attitude toward his non-commissioned officers. I brushed it aside at first, thinking this was an expression of the growing pains he was experiencing while trying to integrate with a new unit. But the reports kept coming in, and I soon was forced to confront my first big decision as a second lieutenant: How do I deal with this Marine?
In the sweltering desert heat, frustration sets in fast, and it clouded my initial reaction. I wondered why this Marine was causing me so much trouble; why he could not keep his mouth shut. All he had to do was follow instructions and not give his superiors any lip. We had an important job to do out there, and the issues he was creating were distracting me and our unit from the mission. What part of all that did he not understand?
A few days later, while we were in the field, I personally witnessed this Marine talking back to one of his sergeants about a simple task. In that moment, I decided that I was done making excuses and covering for someone who seemed to be doing himself no favors—someone who certainly was not making my life easy. I pulled him aside and told him that if he did not fall in line immediately, I would take administrative action against him. My patience and leniency were running dangerously thin.
He took my corrections without comment, and over the next few days I saw that he stayed quiet and did what he was told without any issues. I thought that was the end of it, and that my ultimatum had solved the issue. I should have known better.
Within a week, the reports came rolling in again. This time, I was less frustrated and more confused. We already had a conversation, and he seemed to understand me clearly. This was an intelligent junior Marine, who in many ways was much more mature than the rest of his peers. So why was he causing me and the rest of the unit so many issues? Why did he not seem to get it?
I knew I had to take a different approach this time, so I pulled him aside and asked him what was going on. I wanted to understand his thought process. When I told him the other Marines said he was being disrespectful and not telling the truth about certain things, he got visibly upset and claimed that they were misrepresenting him and his actions. When he exclaimed that they did not understand him, I immediately paused—I knew how it felt to be misunderstood.
Earning Loyalty
I settled in and listened as he complained and ranted for over an hour. Occasionally I asked clarifying questions, but mostly I allowed him to recount all the supposed accusations levied against him by his peers and superiors. My choice to listen came from my own experiences of feeling misjudged or misunderstood. Sometimes the only thing someone wants is to be heard.
As he spoke his piece, I grew confident that I knew where he was coming from and what his grievances were. Meanwhile, a much clearer picture emerged of what had been happening. This new picture did not at all absolve him of responsibility. He had caused problems, I was going to hold him accountable for his actions, and he knew that. But he also knew that I had a better understanding of who he was and what he was going through. In short, we had formed a mutual understanding. He knew that he was not just going to be punished for punishment’s sake, and that made all the difference. I did not have any major issues with him after that. In fact, I quickly noticed that I seemed to have earned his trust and loyalty to a degree I do not think I could have achieved any other way.
On that occasion, I chose the hard right over the easy wrong. As leaders, we do not make that choice as often as we should. After all, it takes a lot of work to get to know each of your Marines or sailors well enough to understand what makes them tick. It seems easier to use nominal military authority over someone else, rather than take the time to find out why someone behaves as they do. Yet this is almost always the wrong approach. It engenders resentment and dissatisfaction, and it creates a bad command climate.
My Marine could talk a lot of smack about his lieutenant, and about the steps he had to take to remediate, but he could not say I did not try to understand where he was coming from before making any decisions. That matters a lot more to our Marines and sailors than they might let on.
The beautiful thing about understanding is that it is often a gift that keeps on giving: empathy begets more empathy. Good understanding of the person or issue at hand is essential for resolution. When Marines and sailors fall short of the mark, understanding what informed their actions, what might be going on at home, and whether their action was a one-time mistake or reveals a character flaw, is vital. Empathy is not a permission slip to err without consequence. Instead, it allows leaders to hold their subordinates accountable while treating the root cause of the negative behavior—not just the behavior itself, which usually is a symptom. As a leader, it is easy to become accustomed to prescribing treatments without a diagnosis.
What Empathy Is Not
Empathy is often confused with sympathy. While empathy is the ability to understand someone else, sympathy is feeling pity or concern for that person. Empathy initiates connection and shared understanding, while sympathy simply puts two people on equal footing. Sympathy can debilitate military leaders; empathy empowers them to make better decisions.
Empathy is a powerful tool that all service members can use to improve their lives. As with almost all change, reforms to encourage empathetic leadership in the military will have to originate at the lower levels: a squad leader pulling one of his underperforming Marines aside and asking if there is anything going on at home, or a platoon commander not immediately going for administrative action every time something goes wrong. The fleet’s small-unit leaders can enact this kind of change right now.
After all the hours of counseling and remediation my non-commissioned officers and I had undertaken with my Marine, I was almost certain that he would resent me, and I had made peace with it, knowing that I had done the right thing. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised when, during a field exercise a few months later, I overheard him talking to some of the other Marines in the company about me. “He never belittled me in front of the platoon or gave up on me,” I heard him say. “He pulled me aside and really tried to understand me. I have a lot of respect for him because of that.” In that moment, I knew empathetic leadership was worth it. Our Marines and sailors deserve it.
