There is much discussion about sexual harassment and sexual assault in the Navy, most of it centered on “blue-on-blue” incidents in the workplace. But every service member has another place that could be a threat: their home. While the Navy has a Family Advocacy Program (FAP) that provides support for service members in situations of domestic abuse, many junior members may be reluctant to get their command involved. In my case, I lacked both trust in and understanding of the system, and I am convinced that had it not been for one concerned individual, I could have been another statistic.
Fear and Silence
When I joined the service at 24, I was trying to improve my family’s unstable situation. I thought if I changed our circumstances and location, everything would be okay. It was not.
I arrived at my first command in 2009. I was excited to finally be doing my job, to be part of something greater than myself. I was lucky in that the sailors at my command were the kind you want in your career—the kind who teach you the ropes and are there for you when they say they will be. For the most part, I trusted them. However, there was one thing with which I could trust no one.
What my command did not know was that I was in a violent marriage and had been for several years. As a C school student, one of the first programs I learned about was FAP.
I did not tell anyone about my situation because I was embarrassed. Whenever I had mentioned it before, I heard comments such as, “If he beats you, why don’t you just leave him?” or “You’re such a smart girl. Why would you stay in something like that?”
I have answers to those questions now that I did not have before. I stayed because I was afraid of him and what he would do if he found me after I left. You see, I tried—quite a few times. But every time, one of two things happened: He would convince me he would get help, or he would figure out where I was staying and many hours of abuse would ensue, abuse that could have ended in tragedy. There also are other reasons: love, children, finances, religious beliefs, and the legal consequences of a divorce.
I didn’t tell my shipmates and leaders because I feared the questions, and I didn’t want them to think less of me, even if it was for a situation outside my control. Fear and anxiety had consumed me. I didn’t feel I deserved a better life, because I had chosen to stay so many times. But the Navy gave me skills, confidence, and a purpose. It turns out, I have talent as an electronics technician, and I earned the respect of those around me.
I finally got the courage to divorce my husband, but he had not moved out of our house on base. One night, my neighbor called the military police after she witnessed his abusiveness. I will never forget what the MP who showed up at my door asked me: “I just have one question. Do you want him to stay, or do you want him to go?” Without skipping a beat, I answered, “I want him to go.”
They took his ID, and he couldn’t get back on base. Ever again. It was late in the night before I realized that, for the first time in years, I was safe! He couldn’t get to me.
Reach Out
If you are a sailor in an abusive situation, please reach out—to the family advocacy representative, to your command, to the police. Your life may depend on it. If you are a leader, get to know your people, ask questions, but most important, make sure they know their rights, the resources available, and that they can trust you to protect them.
It is important that leaders and others understand that the only question they should ask is, “How can I help?” Be prepared if the member does not immediately leave the situation. It takes time to build the confidence to leave. It takes time to undo the brainwashing of an abusive mate. Patience and understanding are needed, as well as the bravery to stand up for the member when they are not able to stand up for themselves.
Be prepared for that person to be angry with you for a while. Brainwashing from abuse causes a person to shift blame everywhere but where it belongs—with the abuser. If my neighbor had not called . . .
The Navy saved my life, my future, and my family by providing me safety within the protective barrier of the base. It took a while—several years in fact—for that sense of security to fully set in, but once it did, I never looked back. I have served for 17 years and am still going strong as a chief electronics technician—and thankful my friend made that possible.
