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By Kathleen V. Logan
Smile! Your husband is assuming command, and now you’re out there front and center. Try not to think about all those responsibilities and all those people who will look to you for leadership. Instead, think about a plan for managing your new-found duties. Then you won’t have to force that dazzling smile—quite as often.
While commanding officers and executive officers themselves are usually thrilled with their selection and eagerly accept the challenges of command, their wives often view it with mixed feelings: pleased with their husbands’ success, and yet concerned about the impact it will have on their lives.
By tradition, the wives of COs and XOs are seen as the unofficial but real leaders of the families in their husbands’ commands. That they receive no pay does not mean that the job they do has no value. One has only to look at a command with dysfunctional leadership to know how critical these women are in fostering good morale and positive experiences, which in turn affect retention. Yet there are no written, official duties, only a multitude of expectations. Each woman is expected to assume responsibility without commensurate authority, and that requires her to define and walk that fine line between “recognizing” and “wearing” her husband’s rank.
When I asked several women why they found the job of being a CO’s or XO’s wife difficult, they responded in a variety of ways. One noted that, “No one ever asked, ‘Would you please do this?’ I was never invited; it was just assumed that 1 would do everything.” Another felt pressured because, “I’m always expected to have the right answer.”
Most women chuckled when the question “If there had been an election, would you have run for this office?” was Posed. Suddenly, COs’ and XOs’ wives find themselves in positions they do not necessarily want, and for which they have received little preparation. In addition, many women are not comfortable with leadership roles; “I’m a good follower,” one woman mused, “I really do not like being in charge.” Yet another woman observed that, “For
years, I’ve been taught that wives shouldn’t wear their husbands’ rank. I do not identify with that role but now I’m expected to.” And all of the women face the fact that they are no longer seen as just one of the group. Even though they behave as they always have, people no longer respond to them in the same way. One lamented, “Not only do we not get invited to as many parties, but when we do go, people often stand off from us. And of course we have to leave first!”
In fact, however, the women who fulfill these responsibilities recognize that they perform a valuable function for the Navy, even though it may be difficult lor them to define it. When asked, “Why does the Navy need you?” one observed that, “We support our husbands and help set the tone for the command.” A similar sentiment was expressed as, “We provide diplomatic liaison; we complete the circle of communication,” or, “We’re the umbilicus that attaches everyone to the rest of the ship, particularly when they’re deployed.” The theme seems to be that, “If the families are OK—and that’s our job—then the folks at sea will be OK and can do their jobs better.”
Others identified a different aspect: “We are important to the Navy because of the uniqueness of our husbands’ jobs; we provide information dissemination to the families, and a support group for those who need or want one.” The importance of the position is clearly demonstrated during a crisis at sea, when families look to the CO’s and XO’s wives as an accurate and trustworthy source of information and reassurance.
Most women initially find the position stressful. All too frequently they feel that they will lose control of their lives because of the demands placed on them. Also, they worry that they lack necessary skills and information. “I never anticipated what all would happen when my husband got command, and I had no idea what I was supposed to do,” one women recalled. “It’s such a nebulous role.”
There is no job description for the CO’s wife; there is no one correct way to be an XO’s wife. Nevertheless, experience has shown that there is a logical process that women can follow to analyze their own situations. Ideally, the steps will help women to manage the position rather than just react to it.
Before making any decisions regarding their role within the command, women need to keep in mind some basic guidelines:
- Base your decisions and choices on your own experiences and knowledge.
- Know your own needs and those of your family. A woman whose children are grown, for instance, can make different choices than a woman with young children.
- Discuss with your husband both his and your attitudes, thoughts, feelings, and expectations concerning your potential role.
Decision-Making Process
The extent to which a wife will become involved depends primarily on two factors: willingness and availability. Figure 1 identifies sequentially those decisions that need to be made once the husband assumes a command
position, or even sooner. Delaying or failing to make these preliminary decisions simply confuses everyone in both the official and unofficial Navy organizations.
Women cannot assume a hands-on leadership role when they do not live in the same place as the command. Those who try usually end up feeling frustrated, guilty or inadequate, and the support groups suffer as well. For such a woman, the primary responsibility is to ensure that someone else is designated (either by her or by the CO) to fulfill the leadership position. Key people (e.g., the chief of staff, club officers, ombudsmen) must be informed.
Then she can be most helpful by maintaining a supportive but hands-off policy. All too often the on-site functioning leader finds herself undermined by a CO’s wife who comes to town once every month or two for a meeting and announces, “Oh, no, I don’t think that’s the way we should do it. ’ ’ Such comments are based on limited information and can only disrupt or destroy the group process. Better that she be a gracious guest. Also, several XO wives who have found themselves as leaders in such situations have stated, “I don’t mind keeping her informed, but it’s costing me a fortune in long-distance phone calls. Why can’t she call me once in a while if she really wants to know what’s going on?”
The process is similar for the woman who, by preference or inability, has elected not to become actively involved in command activities. There are many reasons for this: For example, one woman attended law school, another was confined to bed during a difficult pregnancy, yet another engaged in her own literary career. Circumstances do vary, though, and at some time during a command tour a woman may change her mind about participating. If she does, however, she must discuss her feelings with key
people, then (tactfully!) plan appropriate adjustments.
In either situation, the woman who is not the active leader should realize that she cannot have all of the perks and none of the responsibilities. She or her husband should ensure that the woman who is fulfilling the role is given full and official credit for her efforts.
The woman who is both willing and available to assume the leadership position must answer a further question: “Do you have the appropriate experience or training to manage this situation effectively?” Wives, too, learn a great deal as their husbands move up through the ranks. They have many opportunities to observe what works and what does not. They become wise about Navy life and are able to share this knowledge with less-experienced wives. Sometimes, however, the CO or XO and his wife have only recently married. If she is unfamiliar with Navy life, she is in the unenviable position of being expected to lead without an appropriate background. Adopting the attitude that “My husband is in charge, so I must know what I m doing” will only cause problems. Any woman who finds herself in this position should acknowledge and accept her lack of background, then seek to educate herself.
Managing the Role_____________________________ .
With these preliminary decisions made, the wife now encounters the “Manage Your Role’ box on the chart. Her challenge is to define the role in specifics. First, women must recognize that this is not a normal job. There are no simple, concrete answers and there is no right or wrong way to behave. Since the situation is so ambiguous, many styles or approaches to leadership are possible and each woman can tailor her role to best fit her life.
Every woman who accepts an active role must address some essential issues:
- Be yourself. Be aware of your values and commitments; know and work within your own talents and limitations. It is fruitless to say, for example, “My first CO’s wife was wonderful. I want to be just like her.”
- Continue to talk to your husband about how you both see your role functioning. As you leam more, your feelings and ideas will change, so discuss this as frequently as needed.
- Set your priorities early in the command tour. You may need, for example, to post a “My family’s needs come first” memo to yourself near the phone. At the end of a whirlwind tour, one CO’s wife who was all things to all people all of the time said, “I neglected my own children. I’ll never do that again.”
- Identify your role in the command and the extent to which you can or will serve; make up your own mind about what you want to do.
- Announce to the spouses’ groups your personal philosophy about the situation (e.g., “I believe in working in a democratic manner. I will act as an adviser but will abide by the group’s decisions.”) This only takes a few minutes but helps minimize the “We’d-better-wait-and-feel-her- out” period.
- Tell key people how you will operate. It is very helpful, for instance, for the CO and XO wives of the command to
i
meet together first. Then, preferably, they will meet with support group officers and ombudsmen. The earlier this is June in the tour, the better.
^ Have your husband identify an official Navy point ol
1 contact for you (e.g., the chief of staff) for emergency situations. Make sure this contact knows who you are and where and how to reach you.
^ In any crisis, keep quiet, use discretion, and stay calm. If it is a Navy incident, avoid speculation about the cause since other people tend to see you as part of the official structure.
: ^ When you leave town, notify someone, such as the
XO’s wife, and tell her your plans and phone numbers in case of an emergency.
^ Know how to maintain operational security.
^ Remember that spouses are not in the military; giving orders is never appropriate.
^ Be good to yourself. Eat and sleep well, exercise, and keep close contact with good friends. This will give you strength and avoid undue stress.
Beyond these basic essentials, women have a wide range of options available to them. (See Table 1.) Women who have been through command tours have offered suggestions on managing the role once the options have been Identified. Most common is, “Have a good friend outside the command, someone who is completely trustworthy of your confidences.” It may be inappropriate to discuss certain issues with people in the command (e.g., “Lieutenant Smith’s wife is driving me crazy! What can I do?”), but it 's essential for the wife to talk over her frustrations with s°meone for her own well-being.
One wife observed that, “Just because you feel that something needs to be done doesn’t mean that you have to do it yourself .... You cannot. Encourage others to share the responsibility.” Someone who learned this the hard way laughed and said, “You won’t die if you say no; Practice it a few times.” Also, giving lists to people (the ship’s organization chart, phone tree, referral services) can help forestall many questions.
Setting telephone hours is totally fair, especially at
EWING GALLOWAY
night. One woman joked, “Don’t call me alter 9:30 p.m. unless you’re dead!” and another told the squadron wives that “5:30-7:30 is family time. Please call before or alter those hours.” Making such announcements helps the families since they know what guidelines they are working within.
I have found it useful to keep a notebook near the phone just for command business. In the front I write the names and phone numbers of officers and ombudsmen, the Navy point of contact, and other such essential information. Each time I make or receive a call, I record the date and a very brief notation of what transpired. If I send a message, I write it out word for word. The notebook is particularly valuable in a crisis when there are many phone calls and an abundance of (sometimes conflicting) information. In other words, it will provide a correct sequence of events to be reviewed after the crisis. In addition, the notebook is invaluable as a reference if questions arise, and as a resource to be shared with the incoming CO’s or XO’s wife.
Women need to talk to their husbands before deployment about communications and mutual expectations. When at sea, men tend to assume that folks back home can do anything. One wife received a message, “Seaman Jones hasn’t heard from his wife and is worried that she may want a divorce. Please call her and find out what’s happening.” Women must define to their husbands what
I have compiled a list of every function I have performed in some command in the past 15 years. Never were all the functions performed in any one tour, however, and different functions were selected for different command tours depending on an assessment of needs. The wife can use the inventory before the start of the command tour as a tool to help define the details of the role. Ideally, it will function as a shopping list, affording wives
Your Options
the opportunity to see what can be done and then choose what they will do.
In considering each item, one must ask two questions: “How important is it to me or the command?” and “How often do 1 feel it needs to be done?”
With a deployed submarine, for instance, “operational security” will rate an “essential” in importance and “all of the time” in frequency. As for “attend
monthly ombudsmen meetings,” one woman may feel that it is “not necessary” while another may consider that it is “nice to do” “some of the time.” The choices for each item will be based on the woman’s assessment of her own capabilities and desires, the requirements of the command, and the needs of the families. Obviously, circumstances change, so the inventory can and should be reviewed and updated periodically.
Table 1
Importance
Frequency
Importance
Frequency
Functions
Functions
a* £
< 5
CD CL
alt of the lime
some of the time
- Seek a friend in the official Navy structure, one who understands the system.
- Know the ship/sub/ squadron schedule; keep families informed of it.
- Advise CO on selection of ombudsmen.
- Attend Ombudsmen Academy and their monthly meetings.
- Let command ombudsmen know you want to be kept informed.
- Have regular meetings with ombudsmen.
- Support the ombudsmen, e.g., see that they are invited to lunch by the CO/XO.
- Develop and encourage leadership in others.
- Encourage spouses to have allotments, power of attorney, passport, etc., and to know where their legal documents are.
- Transport spouses to meetings or the hospital as necessary.
- Leam functions of the Casualty Assistance Calls Officer.
- Inform family when someone is hurt at sea; get and give accurate information.
- Know which chaplains are available to help you before an emergency arises.
- Visit hospitalized family members of command personnel.
- Know what to do in case of injury or death.
- Help to notify next of kin in case of death.
- Manage crisis ashore when there is a disaster at sea.
- Plan homecoming and special events.
Support officer and enlisted spouse support groups.
Know the by-laws of the Officer and Enlisted clubs.
Ensure smooth elections of Officer and Enlisted club officers.
Audit the clubs’ financial books.
Ensure that there is an accurate phone tree.
Have spouses fill out emergency data forms and safeguard them.
’ XO and CO wives of command meet to discuss philosophy, values, and plans.
- Organize Christmas and other holiday parties.
» Stop rumors.
- Demonstrate leadership and problem-solving capabilities.
» Encourage command gatherings and camaraderie.
- Attend scheduled Navy community meeting— e.g., monthly Amphibious Officers Wives’ Board.
- Support Navy Relief and Red Cross.
- Publish a command newsletter.
- Welcome new spouses with phone call, note, or visit.
- Entertain frequently.
- Maintain a positive attitude toward the Navy.
- Attend CO and XO Wives’ Seminars.
- Know referral agencies, such as Family Services Center or Red Cross.
- Represent the command at official and unofficial functions.
- Take an advocacy role in the civilian community.
their limits are and what specific information must be included in a message request for help. Husbands and wives will develop and refine their means of communicating if they share their thoughts and experiences with each other.
Particularly in aviation commands, family members ashore should be encouraged to fill out emergency data information sheets to be kept in sealed envelopes and opened only in an emergency. If the CO’s wife is leaving town, she should give the packet of envelopes to the XO’s wife or another responsible person until her return.
All of the women I talked to found training seminars or workshops worthwhile. Such sessions provide a great deal of information of specific interest to wives of COs and XOs, or whoever is filling that position. Navy Family Services Centers are tasked with providing and coordinating such workshops throughout the Navy.
The Impact of the Command Role__________
Personal Goals: When queried, “Where do your personal goals fit in?” wives of COs and XOs all indicated the difficulty they had in balancing personal goals, family needs, and command functions. In general, women who choose to be active leaders found that their personal goals often fit only “in the wee hours of the night and whenever he’s deployed.” One admitted, “I get a bit angry, a bit frustrated, because I can’t make my business grow.” Then she added, “But my husband is important to me; if I have to take the Navy to have him, that’s OK. I do have a love-hate relationship with the Navy, though.”
Another woman said, “I never tried to work full-time and be a CO’s wife at the same time. In many ways I have subordinated my goals to my husband’s.” As for the popular suggestion to develop a “portable career” and be active in the command at the same time, the consensus Was, “It doesn’t work!”
On the whole, advice was to “accept the moves, the going back to the bottom rung of the ladder. If you don’t, you’ll just make yourself miserable.” The wives generally agreed that the Navy, and especially command tours, placed extra demands on them.
Despite the potential limitations on their own aspirations, these women love their husbands, chose freely to work on their behalf, and “never felt inhibited. I figured sometime I’d get to do what I wanted. [Besides,] life is always a juggling act anyway.”
Benefits: All of the wives of COs and XOs whom I interviewed agreed that the position provides “leadership experience you can use. By all means, put it on your resume.” Special friendships, maturity, and sense of accomplishment result from successful leadership.
Command positions offer the couple “special opportunities. Relish the times and traditions surrounding you.” One wife valued the fact that “this is an opportunity for my husband and me to work as a team and it has strengthened us as a couple.” The woman who preferred being a follower discovered capabilities she didn’t know she possessed and was proud of her capacity for growth. “Another benefit, if you’re lucky,” one quipped, “is a good Parking spot!”
Impact on the Marriage: In some ways, command responsibilities are like having a baby: If the marriage is sound, this experience will likely strengthen it; if not, it may damage the relationship. One CO’s wife knew a commander who “perceived that his job effectiveness depended on how well his wife performed.” Someone else was upset to learn that “all those things 1 did during the deployment, things I did to support my husband. ... He didn’t care whether I did them or not!”
Demands of the role can be pervasive. “I got sucked in; I lost definition of myself. I didn’t know who I was or who I was supposed to be. I had to extract my inner self from extraneous activities because they were defining me. And I like to be independent, strong, to do my own thing.” This lady struggled to define the boundaries between self and husband. She also felt that “It’s a matter of honesty. How honest can I let myself be? I’ve seen many women who couldn’t be honest with their husbands; they couldn’t afford the emotional risk because they might lose their marriage.”
The more senior the officer, the harder a wife finds it to maintain her own separate identity when the men and the women around see her one-dimensionally, simply as “the CO’s wife.”
Conclusion
While I was writing this article, a friend who was in town called. When I told him what the article was about, he asked, “Will you talk about folks like me?” He is a retired Navy commander. His wife is on active duty and on her way to be XO of a command. His position as husband is not unique, perhaps, but it is a fairly recent occurrence and, as more women assume command, such situations will increase. This article, however, is based on observations and experiences in which males have had command. I believe strongly that the same decisionmaking process will apply to men, but that will have to be tested by the actual experiences of the husbands themselves.
In many ways, when a man becomes an XO or CO, it precipitates a crisis for his wife, with “crisis” being defined as a time of significant change. In Chinese, the word “crisis” has a double meaning: trouble or opportunity. Armed with the knowledge that their role can indeed be managed and that they have many options, women should feel they can choose to make the command tour an opportunity for personal growth through leadership.
Mrs. Logan received a bachelor of arts degree in education from the University of Michigan, a master of science degree in management from the Naval Postgraduate School, and a master of arts degree in marriage and family counseling from the United States International University in 1981. She has been an elementary school teacher, a naval officer, an organizer of and speaker at many commanding and executive officers’ wives’ seminars, a counselor for Navy Family Advocacy, a college instructor, and a frequent speaker to Navy families on the subject of deployment. Now she is employed in the behavioral medicine department of Baptist Hospital in Pensacola, Florida. Her article "The Emotional Cycle of Deployment” appeared in the February 1987 Proceedings. Her husband is currently commanding officer of the aircraft carrier USS Lexington (CV/AVT-16).