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By invitation of a well-known official, I visited the ^ovy-Yard yesterday, and witnessed the trial of some neuly-invented rifled cannon. The trial was of short du- Wion, and the jury brought in a verdict of "innocent of any intent to kill.”
The first gun tried was similar to those used in the Solution, except that it had a larger touch-hole, and carriage was painted green, instead of blue. This n,/lei and ingenious weapon was pointed at a target
sixty yards distant. It didn’t hit it, and as nobody Saw any ball, there was much perplexity expressed. A Shipman did say that he thought the ball must have Tun °ut of the touch-hole when they loaded up—for u^cb comment he was instantly expelled from the service. /'lfter a long search without finding the ball, there was thought of summoning the Naval Retiring Board to tc,de on the matter, when somebody happened to look '*!° ‘he mouth of the cannon, and discovered that the a hadn’t gone out at all. The inventor said this happen sometimes, especially if you didn't put a ^,ck over the touch-hole when you fired the gun. The °Vernment was so pleased with this explanation, that it fleered forty guns on the spot, at two hundred thousand ars apiece. The guns to be furnished as soon as the ar teas over.
j next weapon tried was Jink’s double-action revolv- tu^Canmn for flrry-boats. It consisted of a heavy bronze to e’ Solving on a pivot, with both ends open, and a Uch-hole in the middle. While one gunner puts a load
in at one end, another puts a load in at the other end, and one touch-hole serves for both. Upon applying the match, the gun is whirled swiftly round on a pivot, and both balls fly out in circles, causing great slaughter on both sides. This terrible engine was aimed at the target with accuracy; but as the gunner has a large family dependent on him for support, he refused to apply the match. The Government was satisfied without firing, and ordered six of the guns at a million dollars apiece. The guns to be furnished in time for the next war.
The last weapon subject to trial was a mountain howitzer of a new pattern. The inventor explained that its great advantage was, that it required no powder. In battle it is placed on the top of a high mountain, and a ball is slipped loosely into it. As the enemy passes the foot of the mountain, the gunner in charge tips over the howitzer, and the ball rolls down the side of the mountain into the midst of the doomed foe. The range of this terrible weapon depends greatly on the height of the mountain and the distance to its base. The Government ordered forty of the mountain howitzers at a hundred thousand dollars apiece, to be delivered and planted on the first mountain discovered in the enemy’s country.
These are great times for gunsmiths, my boy; and if you find any old cannon around the junk shops, just send them along.
There is much sensation in nautical circles arising from the immoral conduct of the rebel privateers; but public feeling has been somewhat easier since the invention of a craft for capturing the pirates, by an ingenious Connecticut chap. Yesterday he exhibited a small model of it at a cabinet meeting, and explained it thus: "You will perceive," says he to the President, "that the machine it-
self will only be four times the size of the Great Eastern,[1] and not cost over a few millions of dollars. I have only to discover one thing before I can make it perfect. You will observe that it has a steam-engine on board. This engine works a pair of immense iron clamps, which are let down into the water from the extreme end of a very lengthy horizontal spar. Upon approaching the pirate, the captain orders the engineer to put on steam. Instantly the clamps descend from the end of the spar and clutch the privateer athwartships. Then the engine is reversed, the privateer is lifted bodily out of the water, the spar swings around over the deck, and the pirate ship is let down into the hold by the run. Then shut your hatches, and you have ship and pirates safe and sound. ”
The President’s gothic features lighted up beautifully at the words of the great inventor; but in a moment they assumed an expression of doubt, and says he:
"But how are you going to manage, if the privateer fires upon you while you are doing this?"
"My dear sir,” says the inventor, "I told you I had only one thing to discover before I could make the machine perfect, and that's it."
So you see, my lad, there’s a prospect of our doing
something on the ocean next century, and there’s only one thing in the way of our taking in pirates by the cargo.
Last evening a new brigadier-general, aged ninety- four, made a speech to Regiment Five, Mackerel Brigade, and then furnished each man with a lead-pencil. He said that, as the Government was disappointed about receiving some provisions it had ordered for the troops, those pencils were intended to enable them to draw their rations as usual. I got a very big pencil, my lad, and have lived on a sheet of paper ever since.
Yours, pensively, Orpheus C. Kerr
The foregoing piece of satire, by Robert Henry Newell, was contributed by Ruth F. Kneitel of New York. Newell was a journalist and humorist who wrote under the pen name of Orpheus C. Kerr; he was born in New York in 1836 and died in Brooklyn in 1901. His satires and comments on the Civil War enjoyed great popularity during that period.
Published in the N.Y. Sunday Mercury in 1861, "The Latest Improvement in Artillery,” with its reference to government spending is timely and amusing, though written 112 years ago.
Official Humor
During World War II, the destroyer HMS Anthony was required to fuel at sea from the cruiser HMS Cleopatra, flying the flag of a certain admiral not renowned for his sense of humor. The weather was very bad and the destroyer captain, a most experienced one, was having difficulty in getting his lines across. He was not pleased, therefore, to receive a signal from the flagship telling him to get a move on. Irritated, he sent back:
"Submit that the last time Anthony lay alongside Cleopatra, the bed was a great deal more comfortable than this.”
The next approach was successful, but the destroyer captain was now having serious misgivings. He watched apprehensively from a distance of some 40 feet while his signal was taken up to the bridge by the flag lieutenant and shown to the admiral.
After an agonizing interval, the flag lieutenant returned to the signal platform and began to "tic-tac” the destroyer captain in semaphore.
"After due consideration," came the reply, "your signal has officially been considered funny. But only just.”
—Contributed by Lt. Cdr. M. G. W. Benson, RN
(The Naval Institute will pay $/0.00 for each anecdote published in the Proceedings.)