Of course, we all know that one thing leads to another, and the telling of a good story is apt to he followed by “ That reminds me.” The fact that the succeeding story bears no possible resemblance to the one that stirs the memory, does not debar it in any way. Thus we wander from story to story and while away many a pleasant hour.
In reading the delightful “Casey Stories ” by Captain Cronan in the December Proceedings, I was reminded of some other service stories. The fact that they are more ancient than those about Casey, and possibly not so amusing, should not debar them, for they in turn may remind others, and thus lead to our further entertainment. I am sorry that I cannot vouch for the authenticity of my stories, and I can only tell them as they were told to me, which I do with apologies to those to whom (hey come as but the fruit of the chestnut tree, and with the hopes that they may fall upon some new ground and perhaps dispel, if but momentarily, the gloom which now so often envelops us all in these piping days of peace if not of plenty.
TWO LIARS
Private Shea of the marines was stationed at the marine bar racks at the New York Navy Yard some years ago, and a sore trial he was to his friends and his officers. For 30 years he had served his country afloat and ashore, but still the only thing he wore upon the sleeve of his coat was service stripes. Many times he had been made a corporal, and once he even survived to become a sergeant, but sooner or later he was sure to look upon the wine when it was red, and great and prolonged was the resulting spree. A splendid soldier he was between liberties in barracks or on board ship, but the curse of Bacchus was upon him.
Colonel X, in command at the barracks, had known Shea for many years—in fact, since he as a captain had commanded a ship’s guard that had Shea for one of its members. He was genuinely fond of him, for despite his weakness he had many admirable qualities, and his long service and unfailing good nature had made something of a corps character out of him. After having kept him in barracks for two months, the colonel noted with regret that again Shea had overstayed his liberty. Five days overtime he had reported in, and his physical condition indicated all too plainly, so his captain reported, how he had spent his time and money on liberty. The patience of the colonel was about exhausted, but almost from force of habit he rang for his orderly and sent an order to the officer-of-the-day for Private Shea to be sent to the office of the commanding officer.
When Shea was ushered in he was clean and neatly shaved and carried himself as erect as though on parade. His pleasant face and gray hair gave him a look almost of distinction.
“ I am sorry to see from the morning reports,” the Colonel began, “ that you have been up to your same old tricks. Five days over leave. What have you to say for yourself? ”
Shea for a moment seemed embarrassed.
“ Colonel,” he replied, “ may I speak to you, not as a private to colonel, but as man to man ? ”
" Certainly. Go ahead.”
“ Well, sir, as you know, I had not been out of barracks for two months. Saturday I had liberty, and went straight to Jersey City to see my wife and children. There I found an awful condition of affairs. My wife in bed sick; no fire in the house ; the children crying and unwashed; the window panes broken out; and some of the furniture smashed. I was terribly shocked. I gave my wife my money and started in to put things to rights. I nursed my wife, washed the kids, mended the furniture and even cooked the meals. It was more than mortal man could do, colonel, to come back until my wife was up and about again. By then I was five days over leave.”
The colonel without remark turned to his desk and from the top drawer took a letter.
“ Shea,” he then said, “ I will read you a letter that I received from your wife this morning. She says, ‘ Dear Colonel: Please keep that old drunken renegade Mike Shea in barracks. He let us alone for two months. Then he came in Saturday night drunk and dirty. He took my money from me, beat the children unmercifully, broke up the furniture, and but for the fact that I am a better man than he is, drunk or sober, he would have beat me also. Please see that he can’t come home anymore and you will have the gratitude of a heartbroken woman.’ ” As the colonel finished reading he looked up at Shea and asked, “ What do you say to that? ”
While the colonel was reading a look of the most profound wonder came over Shea’s face, and now for a moment he seemed nonplussed.
Then he said, “ Colonel, since I am talking as man to man and not as private to colonel, all I have to say is this, the two biggest liars in the marine corps are in this room now. I’m not married.”
Shea’s captain wondered why the colonel let him off again with only a reprimand.
OBVIOUS
Some years ago a certain man-of-war had one watch in the fire-room composed entirely of negroes. They did very well when properly handled, but one of the engineer officers had a most pronounced faculty for always stroking them the wrong way.
One morning this lieutenant was inspecting the fire-rooms and in one of them he had occasion to reprimand a big negro fireman, ignorant and belligerent. The negro so far lost his temper as to call the lieutenant ad-- fool, for which breach of discipline in the course of time he was called to answer before a general court martial.
One of the witnesses for the prosecution was a negro water- tender who had been present when the occurrence took place. He testified that he heard the accused call the lieutenant ad-fool as charged, and counsel for the defense took over the witness for cross-questioning.
Q. Are you sure that you heard the accused call Lieutenant Z a d - - fool ?
A. Yas, sir, I sho heard ’im.
Q. Were they standing close together?
A. No, sir. Dey was some consider’ble distance ’tween ’em.
Q. Were other people present ?
A. Yas, sir, some three or fo’ of de watch was standin’ ’round listenin’.
Q. Then how do you know the accused was referring to Lieutenant Z ?
A. (With a look of perplexity.) Well, sir, he was de only d - - fool present.
A SEA-GOING APOLOGY
Tom Jenkins was one of the survivors of the old navy. Lacking only a few years of having enough service for retirement (this was before the present fleet reserve was created) he was still only a boatswain mate, second class, though his hair was white and his hand was shaky. A good sailor man, efficient and reliable on board ship, he was a terror on shore on the rare occasion when he went on liberty.
On one occasion in a strange town, Tom, having been ashore for several hours, was sailing well before the wind with everything taut alow and aloft, when he chanced to meet the executive officer of the flagship, who knew him, but whom he did not know. The officer, seeing the condition of affairs and prompted only by the kindest feelings toward the old man, attempted to get Tom to return to the ship before he got into serious trouble. His shore cruise was not to be cut short in any such manner, however, and in the ensuing discussion Tom called the officer “ A son of a sea- cook and a meddling sun-downer.”
The next day on board his ship when he had sobered up some of his shipmates told him what he had done, and the possible consequences to him, and the old man was very contrite and sought his division officer for advice as to what he had better do.
When his division officer heard the details of Tom’s dilemma he told him to go forward and spruce himself up and put on his best suit of blues, and he would arrange for a boat to take him to the flagship where he was to ask for the executive officer and tender him an apology on the quarter-deck. Knowing the executive he felt sure this would stop the matter from going further.
Tom did as directed, and having hauled up to the port gangway of the flagship and come on board he asked to see the executive on the quarter-deck to make him an apology. The executive appeared promptly, whereupon Tom gravely saluted and began:
“ They tell me, sir, that last night while in a slightly befuddled condition ashore I called you a son of a sea-cook and a meddling sun-downer.”
The executive replied that that was about the substance of the matter.
“ Then,” Tom continued, “ I want to tell you, sir, I don’t know whether you are a son of a sea-cook and a meddling sun-downer or not. I’ve never been shipmates with you.”
The apology was accepted in the spirit in which tendered.
THE SWEEPER
The ship was riding to a fitful wind and sweepers had just been piped. The quarter-deck sweeper, a tall and raw-boned youth but recently received from some western farm, went aft and began his sweeping. He would sweep the dust forward for a few yards and then a puff of wind would playfully scatter it behind him again. With patience and forbearance worthy of a better cause he would start back at the after rail, only to have the same thing happen.
The boatswain’s mate of the watch in the shade of the after turret watched him as again and again his careful sweeping was brought to naught by the playful antics of the wind from ahead. Finally, striding over to the sweeper as he was preparing to start his sweeping for the dozenth time he said, “ See here, my son, haven’t you been at sea long enough yet to know that you can’t sweep against the will of God.”
One new one, and some abler raconteur may proceed:
On a battleship during a cruise in the early days of the war, it became necessary to put aboard a newly joined ship the orders and instructions in force. The ship ahead undertook to float them down to the newly joined ship in a water-tight container. The job was being supervised on the quarter-deck by the boatswain, a thorough seaman of the old school, assisted by a number of modern sailors, intelligent and willing, but not particularly well versed in the ways of a sailor, according to the ideas of the boatswain.
The ship astern was in position, the tow-line was bent on to the water-tight container, and the final lashing was being put on.
Wishing to make a neat job of it, the boatswain called for a knife to cut off the ends of the lashing. Not a sailor produced a knife or made a move. In tones of biting sarcasm, that should have been heard to be fully appreciated, the boatswain said with a wave of his hands towards his young sailors, “Will someone kindly cut it with a wrist watch! ”